...the inconsistency between your inner and outer life?
...hurts from the past?
If you are aching for things like that to happen- it is God longing to work in your heart. He is giving the courage- take hold of it and move where He leads. Stop pounding on closed doors and seek the one He's opening.
When we have sold our identity to the judges of this world, we are bound to become restless, because of a growing need for affirmation and praise. Indeed, we are tempted to become low-hearted because of a constant self-rejection… And so, when our actions have become more an expression of fear than of inner freedom, we easily become the prisoners of our self-created illusions. Henri Nouwen